Sunday, July 3, 2011

2B or not 2B?

Hey there blog friends..... In a bit of a reflective mood last night, and I thought I'd share a little bit where this project came from. The last entire year, has been kind of tedious in my world. There has just been a lot of stress, and as it goes.... one stress ends and another one just comes in to take it's place. Some of it is too personal to share here, but I've made some tough, but extremely necessary calls to change my life in the last year. I haven't had regrets, but that doesn't make major change a piece of cake, even when you know you're doing the right thing. Additionally, there's been a car accident, an ER/choking incident with Ev, a broken arm for Ian, serious health problems for one of my parents, an injury and rehab for my grandmother, plus many close loved ones have shared with me some of the serious personal struggles they are also facing..... long, long, LONG year, to say the least. There is even more, but much of it cannot be shared here. And no, it's not all been about me, or things that have happened directly TO me, but I can say it's all affected me. But oddly, it seems almost necessary for all this massive upheaval to be going on, if that makes sense. Even 6 months ago I felt so extremely different about myself. I did not believe I was capable of getting the job I wanted, getting in shape, juggling all my responsibilities, handling the endings of things I'd known for years. In the short term, I did not believe in ME, my ability to handle the "seasons of my life," and I wasn't even sure where I had gone. Certainly, like most people I've faced some other serious times of trial in my life before now. But I felt defeated, lost, and not quite sure how I could keep up with my own existence some days.

So, there's been a lot of good and positive things that have come out of all of this. I take care of myself now. I eat right, I work out, I can even run now. I am stronger, smarter about my relationships and I don't take my wonderful husband and kids for granted anymore. I know my blessings & I appreciate how many people love me and care about me. I'm stronger emotionally, too. I also believe that I'm capable of making my dreams come true. And that's half the battle anyway. Believing. 

So, I've been watching the new series on OWN "Finding Sarah" and I have been so intrigued, because I really have felt that some of the reason things spiralled so out of control for me these last few years is because I got so caught up in everyone else, helping others, taking care of my kids, my husband, my friends. To certain extent, the reason I did that was because I didn't want to face the past, some bad and difficult things had happened, I was afraid to face them, afraid I couldn't take the pain. I was hiding from my past by focusing elsewhere. And then it just snowballed, so many of the things I'd been avoiding dealing with crept into my life in other ways. It's true that the universe will keep teaching you a lesson until you finally GET IT. On one of the episodes with Fergie and Dr. Phil he tells her "You are addicted to approval and acceptance." I truly sat there with my jaw dropped. Wow. Yeah, that is definitely me in a nutshell, too. Thanks Dr. Phil for saving me thousands of dollars in therapy with that little gem. Basically, he told her that because she'd been rejected as a child, she'd spent the rest of her life looking to fill that "high" of being accepted, approved of, the favorite, the loved one, the cheerleader, the rock.

So, I'm learning about me and learning to support others because I love them. NOT because I feel I have to, or they will think less of me, or it's the "right" thing to do. I don't sign myself up to do things I'll complain about later anymore. That's not to say I can't be a great mom, wife, or friend with my new outlook, nor does it give me a right to be nasty and selfish. It's just learning to do the things that are motivated by GOOD and by LOVE. Because, I'm finding, when it comes from a place of love, you don't feel irritated, or taken advantage of, or beaten up like you do when you do it from a place of requirement, guilt, or avoiding someone's anger. So, I know getting very wordy here..... (but, hey, it's my blog, right?) ;) long story short, I have reframed my beliefs about myself and that's been HUGE and important. Who woulda thunk 10+ years of growth could happen in less than a year, right? So, it's been a lot but in a very, very good way.

So, that's the story behind my sign. I'm new, freed from my self-imposed cage, and growing every day. Just like the sign says "I am learning to be me." And that is just where I am today, learning, living without regret, and finding that those who really love you will always think you are enough. But you have to think it FIRST. Visual reminder in my little sign, and I added the date in for a reminder, so I can look back and say "Wow. Remember 2011? That was such a crazy year, but I came so far."

Well, thanks for reading my long my Papa would've said.... "That's my story and I'm sticking to it!" Have a wonderful day, I hope it comes from a place of love.


supply list: stamps: Unity/Melody Ross; DP: Sassafrass; Bean Sprouts #2 journal circle: Jillibean Soup; punch: EK Success; border stickers: Crate Paper; epoxy/glitter brads: BoBunny Press; letter/number mini stickers: Authentique; pennant stickers: lilybee designs; brass rivets and metal #2 tab: 7 gypsies; ribbon: The Ribbon Boutique/Hobby Lobby; date stamp: K&Company/SMASH

1 comment:

Nancy Thomas said...

Beautiful words Noelle - something I need to take a look at myself. And an equally beautiful and meaningful project.